And thus endeth the badger’s 30-day trial of one of those chemical cyber matchmaking services. Oh dear oh dear such a disappointment and with so many PhD’s coding and effusing daily from yenta central. And the chief complaint was…?
Your honor I submit exhibit A, a list of seventy-five (count them!) male candidates delivered to my virtual doorstep after (ostensibly) a rigorous, sophisticated, words-you-can’t-prounounce-or-may-not-even-know screening process. Let us be up front here: I, bookbadger, ordered up matches ranging from three years younger than me all the way to practically seventy (in the interest of full disclosure, 65 to be precise), of either Asian or Caucasion persuasion, of Buddhist, Christian, or even “spiritual but not religious” classification, with only the mildest restriction as far as tobacco or alcohol use goes—and get this: anywhere in North America.
Now, while it is true that my profile declared me to be a “pacifist,” what on Earth is wrong with that; is not “peace” everyone’s hope for society, the nation, the world? Other than this tidbit, and the minor detail that I have no progeny of my own (truly, could that be a liability here, since 99% of the pool appear to have *several*), I brought no strident, eccentric, or unpalatable details to the table. On the contrary, my expressed “interests” included the rather mainstream items like photography, reading, being outdoors (conceded that despite her moniker the bookbadger is -not- fond of camping or even of mountainous terrain; but her gravitation to sailboats and airplanes should more than make up for this), etc.
Well, yes, it is true there is a disclaimer which we presumed, perhaps mistakenly, would be taken in only the most lighthearted spirit–that the badger “doesn’t cook.” Well, yes, we admit that probably most men in the badger’s desired age range are likely not gourmet cooks themselves unless they happen to be professional chefs, and no, the badger is not interested in dating a working chef as she fears they would have too little time together. So yes, we suppose it is possible that with this one item our profile may have unwittingly eliminated a rather sizable swath of gentlemen in search of a wife capable of feeding a football team in style; but the simple truth is the badger’s culinary skills are extremely limited, almost non-existant when it comes to the actual preparation of the traditional breakfast, snack, or meal.
Yes, perhaps we should have explained this in further detail; would it not seem a bit odd though, to be expounding on my voluminous knowledge of washed rind artisanal cheeses and French burgundy not to mention a more than passing familiarity with a variety of flans, tortes, and mousses, and the ability to order Bengali dishes, Cambodian-French fusion, tapas, as well as the classic Mediterranean fare with utter comfort and confidence while at the same time attempting to tactfully underline the fact that the badger has neither the ability nor the inclination to fix these herself. Alas.
And so, what rose to the top and floated over to the in-box? Fifty-five-ish divorced guys living in places like Midbone, Kentucky and Palsy, Indiana who relax by reading military history (the campaigns of the Civil War, or airstrikes over the Pacific in WWII, or just bio’s of the top brass) and apparently riding oversize motorcycles every chance they get. Bookbadger found it disturbing that so many of these hapless fellows actually uploaded PHOTO’s of their MLC Harley as part of their profile: just the bike, not them actually-on- the bike…which is a silly extraneous detail included here mainly for emphasis since bookbadger, while not averse to motorbiking per se, is certainly not prepared to have her partner clearing out for days at a time on motorcycle walkabout. No no.
Then there was the literacy impasse. We fear what we have been quietly suspecting all along, that those salt of the Earth church-going divorcees of America’s heartland have for reasons unknown reached midlife with a worldview best described as un-nuanced or at least visibly limited to the most basic of physical and emotional needs. Not that these are to be discounted; not at all. It seems abundantly apparent that this particular pool is for whatever reason devoid of both literacy and variety. Thus I rest my case and formally give notice that bookbadger is withdrawing her subscription and moving on.